If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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