I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
