Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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