the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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