I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
