i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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