what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
