And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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