I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i dont even know how to be here
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
