I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
