you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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