11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize