i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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