Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
