she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
