I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
