Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
