my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
