I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My nipple is on Facebook.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
