my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How does one acquire holy water?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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