I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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