3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
