I am in a vortex of obligation.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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