my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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