Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
