Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want her autograph on my taint
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
