I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
