Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
