The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
