I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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