Nicole vs. Life
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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