i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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