I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
