i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I need to align my fucking chakras
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
