Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
