I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
