we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
