Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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