I accidentally burped into my bong.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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