I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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