sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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