Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
