You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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