I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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