Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Randomize
