Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Farmville is her only friend.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
