So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have fence marks all over my body
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
