someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I need moral support for this bender
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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