Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
