Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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