Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dick very happy bro
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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