I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize