i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize