Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize