She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
