guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
