good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
