I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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