pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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