Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
