ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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