Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
