DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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