i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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