I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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