new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
