if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
