home. puking in laundry basket.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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