I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
