Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
