And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
